Life and Death

Life...Death...what is in between these two things? For me it is a debilitating depression that seeks to destroy everything. Pills do not work, therapy does not work, positive thinking does not work. I have tried all these and so much more. Eat right, watch funny movies and shows, read inspiring stories and books. So many people feel the same way that I do. The blackness comes no matter what else is going on. I cry even when I see something beautiful. I am crying right now. For so many of us, life is so very difficult. Even though I have a nice, warm house to live in, food to eat and nice clothes to wear, I feel so lost. I know that so many others feel this way too. Why, then, do we all feel so alone?

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night crying in my sleep. I have suffered from depression most of my life. I also think I have PTSD (undiagnosed) due to all the emotional trauma I have been through. So many people are emotionally repressed. This makes it difficult to even see the depression. I am an empath, so I feel others pain, so much that it can be damn overwhelming at times. Add to this a terminal illness and it is a recipe for disaster. It would be so much easier if there were more people talking about the toll a terminal illness puts on the one dying, but also about the toll it takes on the family as well. All this taboo nonsense about keeping your emotions locked away is so outdated, but people do not change so easily, even when it is the best thing for them and everyone else. Why do friends walk away with no word? Why does family turn their back? Why do spouses refuse to understand? Why do people tell you to stop being so emotional?

Do people really think I want to have depression? No one wants depression...no one wants to be suicidal. But people are so wrapped up in their own dramas they cannot see past their own nose. It hurts to feel so alone and unwanted. I try my best to be a great friend, yet it yields me nothing but sadness. Where did my best friend go? Why did she turn her back on me? All I did was get sick. Is it that being around sick people scares healthy people so much? This four year journey with cancer has been its own kind of hell. I would not wish this on anyone.

But, all is not lost. I have attempted suicide twice in the last 3 years. Yet, I am still here. I try to smile through the physical and emotional pain. I try to be funny and sweet. But, the truth is, I spend and have spent the hardest times alone.