Feelings, oh feelings...January 4th 2018

Hello all my lovelies! Today is a rough day for me. I am feeling a general dread that feels like a shroud over my head. I skipped my Norwegian class today as I was exhausted when I woke up this morning. I went back to sleep and slept a few more hours. After some reflection time, I have realized that seeing my soon to be ex-husband has hit me harder than I thought possible. It is tough to see someone who embodies your sense of failure day in and day out. So I need to come up with a way to deal with this negative feeling. It is no secret that I still love him, but we are not working in any way. My illness really shook me and I admit that I made some terrible mistakes that have profoundly affected the way we interact. What I find shocking is that there is really no way to deal with the feelings that come with a fatal diagnosis. Everything I tried seemed to make things worse. At first, I was just in shock, then the grief came. It hit me so hard, harder than anything had ever effected me before or since. I fell into a deep dark hole that I could not seem to get out of. I felt suicidal and nothing was worth living for. Then he decided to leave me to go on vacation during the absolute worst time for me. That hurt me even more deeply, and I have never forgiven him for that. I am not sure I can forgive him. But I need to, not for him, but for me. As Louise Hay wrote: The reality of true forgiveness lies in setting yourself free from the pain. I need to release the pain of obliterated expectations of my marriage, my life, my past, my future. This is the only way to really set myself up for success in the future. I need to let go, surrender, love myself, care for myself. This is simply what I must do to survive. The world can be an uncaring and harsh place, but seek peace and love inside and the world ceases to be so scary and hard. Know that I love you all and want the best for you! I just ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers so I can recover from this current nightmare existence.

https://www.louisehay.com/forgiveness/

Positive Word of the Day: Trusting 

Affirmation of the Day: There is always a new and better way for me to experience life. I forgive and release the past. I move into joy.